Routine
by Clement Rage
Summary: Comedian's take of Deepground Invasion


"Good evening folks, and thanks for coming. It's always great to get a good crowd. First off, I'd like to say a word of thanks to my sponsors, the W.R.O. 'Give us your profits and we won't kill you'. Company motto.

You've heard about Deepground, right? Massive military invasions tend to get good news coverage. A mysterious invasion, a testament to the inefficiency of the W.R.O. and Vincent Valentine's incredible lack of imagination. I mean, really. "It's time to end this. Right here, right now." What the fuck? Our genocidal maniacs deserve better than that. They have short lifespans, no need to pollute their existence with clichés.

I love his little speech to Reeve in Kalm. "Reeve. Good to see you again. Not a very interesting outfit, though." Fashion comments? In the middle of a fucking invasion? And then Reeve's reply. "It took me a little while to decide." Between this and my other blue Commissioner's coat? What the hell were you expecting, Vince, spandex?

And anyway, is a man who hasn't changed his clothes in thirty years really in a position to judge other people's taste?

Okay, Kalm invasion, over. On the way to Edge. Some meaningless chitchat. A rogue transmission, promising to 'end this world' is broadcast. Reeve makes a note. It 'troubles' him, apparently. _Really, now._ Coinciding with a completely unforeseen military invasion, there's a broadcast like that. Is it likely to be a fucking commercial?

Hmm...actually, maybe he's right. Think about it. "The time has come to end this world. The poor will be spared for the cause, while the tainted will be...slashed, strangled, and burned. Beaten, stabbed and crushed. Garrotted and impaled. Shot and executed without mercy.

"The time has come to cleanse this world. Ahahahahhaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahahaha." Then, the screen goes white. The lost tagline: Tough stains driving you a little crazy? Use Titan detergent!(Copyright lawyers, I have no knowledge of such a product, and if it exists, rest assured any endorsement is entirely coincidental)

That transmission epitomises everything about Deeground's ineptness. You have a victim. You slash at him. You strangle him. 'Hang on , I'll be with you in a second' Go off to find some petrol, throw it on your victim, strike a match. You beat him, and hurt yourself, because you forgot to put him out. Next on the checklist-stab him. Check!

'Hold that thought, I have to go find a rock' So you find it, and throw it on him. You push off the boulder, prop up your victim, and garrotte him. Then you have to go find a stake, impale him. Finally you shoot him. And now you're confused, because you have to 'execute him without mercy' and you've run out of imagination. While you're considering, somebody else comes up, and you have to do it all over again. A couple of hours later, you're exhausted, and the W.R.O. arrive. Who have no imagination and just shoot you. Somewhat ineptly at times, true, but their hearts are in the right place, bless 'em. How can anyone orchestrate a successful invasion in conditions like that?

The poor DGs have to deal with their officers as well. Shelke is probably the most valuable one and is hence instantly betrayed. Azul-well, look at him. Even he thinks firing a rocket launcher at him constitutes 'a worthy opponent'. Even when Reeve both supplied it and gave the orders. To quote Reeve, one thing 'troubles' me. Why didn't Vince fire again? And why didn't he hit the sprinklers again against Shelke and make things easier on himself?

And then there's Rosso, who believes that slaughtering a thousand of her own soldiers for no reason before a massive offensive is exemplary military strategy. Shame no other general in history agrees.

Moving swiftly on...What about the W.R.O. officers? Inability to decide on coats aside, Reeve isn't a bad general. Not least because he lets Vince do all the work. But his subordinates –Shalua, for example. Hate to laugh at somebody's memory, but its her own fault she died. Jamming your arm in a door is all very dramatic, but wouldn't it be easier just to open it? Press the button again, Shelke!

And the less said about Kisaragi, the better. Case in point: "I've been waiting a long time to get my hands on those Deepground punks." You mean all three days you knew they existed, Yuffie? I guess it's longer in dog years. Although hitting a nineteen year old for criticising her sister's inability to push a button is one of your high points.

That's all, folks. You've been great, and I'm not just saying that –although I would. Thanks for coming."

The comedian put down the mike as people stood up to leave, and took his other hand from his pocket for the first time, revealing a three fingered hand. Then he walked off the stage.


End file.
